I never, not even for a second, thought that women like me stayed home with their kid(s). Well, lets be honest, I never thought women like me got married and had kids. It's amazing what falling in love with a beautiful man will do to you and your perspective on the world but that isn't what this is about so back to being a stay at home mom. Once I realized that a woman like me might actually want to be married and have kids I never thought that she would stay home with him/her/them. I'm going to be honest here and hope that I don't offend the two people that read my blog.
I thought moms that stayed home with their kids had poor social skills and no education or future career options. I thought they just wanted to sit home to watch Oprah and wear sweats. I thought they were oppressed by their sexist husbands and the constricting rules of their religion, both of which were trying to keep them barefoot and in the home. Although according to my misguided thoughts, "in the home" might be better for society since the only women who would stay home are women who have little to offer society in the first place. Why else sit home all day while your children...while they...hm, I guess I never really thought about what babies/kids do.
Funny that I could think a stay at home mom had poor social skills considering that mine have been challenged and strengthened significantly since becoming a part time stay at home mom (I work twice a week). I have had a multitude of social experiences that where very much beyond the walls of my paradigms. To survive as a stay at home you really have to put yourself out there and make connections with other moms. Making friends in high school is hard, sure, but when you're 30 and haven't had to make friends since you graduated college those skills can be rusty. Sure we all made friends at work but how hard is that? You're thrown into a room with the same people day after day; you either like them or you don't. Walla! A friendship is born. It is quite a bit more complicated than that when the room you are put in involves a changing table, a baby, and no one else.
Crazy to think stay at home moms do it because they have no career they want to work on or degree to display. Many of my stay at home mom friends, myself included, do have college degrees that they plan on dusting off once they're ready. College degree or not they have career goals that have been set aside for their children. It is nothing like the media polluted images I had floating around in my inexperienced mind. I thought these women grew up just waiting for the guy to give them the baby so they could watch the TV.
Oppressed by sexist husbands! My feministic attitude was really misdirected. How about this? Women who stay home must have extremely supportive husbands who are willing to take the pressure of being the sole financial provider for their family. Husbands who are willing to give up a flat screen and new car so their wives can make the choice to raise their children. Now that's a change in attitude on my part. I still consider myself a feminist, and yes, I can say that even though I stay home with my son and future baby girl. I am all for women's rights. Women's right to choose to be with her children if the family can financially swing it AND if she is lucky enough to find a husband to support such a crazy notion. She can be powerful! Strong! Confidant! Successful! Sexy! Compassionate! Intelligent! And very, very hard working. She can be a feminist, she can be a mother, a wife. Oh the many facets we take on while identifying our place in society.
Speaking of "society" how about not contributing to it. Yes, that's right. Silly me to believe a women not in the work force is not contributing to society. Since when is bringing home money to buy more things the definition of contributing to society? How about making sure the future adult you are about ready to send out into the world is well rounded, compassionate, intelligent, confidant, and ready for the challenges life brings. I can't think of a better way to contribute to society and the future of our country. Our world! Besides who said a stay at home mom can never contribute monetarily again? Kids do grow up, they do go to school and although it is hard for me to believe now my mom swears there is "life after kids"...we'll see.
What's more, while these toxic beliefs on stay at home moms circulated my mind for years I never once thought about what the kids were doing while these sweat suite wearing, Oprah watching, oppressed moms cleaned up the house. Now that I'm a mom it seems beyond idiotic to me to think of what these no talent women were doing without ever once considering where the kids were and what they were doing. Did I really think children fed, bathed, clothed and went to sleep by themselves? Did I really think they played by themselves? Learned to talk, read, and ride a bike by themselves? Got fresh air and vitamin D by themselves? Attended play dates on their own to broaden their social skills all by themselves? Learned compassion and love on their own? Really, I look back and think I must have been C.R.A.Z.Y. stupid.
Take a step back. I met a man, I fell in love, I finished my college degree, and I began working on my career in Medical Laboratory Science. I was successful! I was well on my way up the corporate ladder, laser focused and PREGNANT! Yes, it was planned. Planned perfectly well. We got our future child on the waiting list of several of the best day cares in town. Of course I would continue to work. Children go to daycare and both parents work because the goal of "raising my own child full time" was not listed on my degree or ASCP certification I worked so hard to attain. Staying home was not even talked about, considered, or thought of, not even long enough for me to say "no". It was simply not something feministic, society contributing women like me did.
I want to take a moment to make sure that moms who work and put their children in daycare are still great moms in my book. Part of being a good parent is deciding what is best for your family and maybe mom working is what will benefit the family unit most. That is the part of being a feminist I'm talking about, we get choices, and we exude the strength that following through with these choices requires. We fight the challenges with womanly ambition and we demand our choices be respected. It is these choices and this ferocious follow through that makes us feminists, no matter if we stay home or go to work. As long as the choices are made for the right reasons they are the right choices.
So 9 months later Jamison was born. 1 month later I was desperate to get back to work. I envisioned myself in my laboratory scrubs, looking so professional and smart picking my happy, well fed and well loved baby up from daycare. I was the working super mom, doing it all! My son would giggle as I dropped him off and smile and reach for me as I picked him up. He would sleep well and play more. It was going to be perfect! In my visions I paid another woman to watch my child because I was busy. Too busy making my contribution to society and to my family and that seemed just fine to me.
3 months later my vision changed. It was the smiles on my son's face, as well as the tears that ran down that same face that changed my vision of what was right. It was his wide open-mouthed kisses that slobbered my face with baby breath. It was even getting peed on, puked on, and pooped on. The idea of someone else watching my son had become devastating. Literally devastating. The idea of someone else watching him cry and not having the same strong emotions flood their body the way his cries made emotion flood through mine was devastating. The idea of someone else seeing his smiles, his laughter, his wiggles and not see them as a gift was devastating. The thought of THEM feeding him MY milk was devastating. It was all devastating. And I cried. I cried every day for the last couple weeks of my maternity leave. I cried when he cried knowing I was the only person in this world (right ahead of dad) whose body flooded with high levels of emotion to that sound. I cried when he smiled knowing that no one else who cared for him would see his smile as the gift it was. I cried knowing that these gifts would go unnoticed, might as well end up right in the trash before even being unwrapped.
My first day back I woke up at 3 am and was unable to get back to sleep. I cried so hard I couldn't eat my breakfast that morning. I went to work and I cried on the way there. I cried at work. In the bathroom stall, in the lactation room, even right there in the lab. I cried until my boss sent me home just a few hours into my shift. I applied for insurance so I could stay home, I was denied and I cried some more. I wanted to raise my son not someone else! Fortunately for an amazing husband and flexible boss I was able to cut my shift to part time and work just 2 days a week. It was perfect! I could still provide insurance for my family and spend most of my days unwrapping Jamison's smiles and tending to his cries.
Baby number two is on the way and my husband and I have figured things in such a way that I can be home 100% of the time to raise our children, to invest in them! Not me and my ego of "do it all" mom who picks her child up looking so smart in her laboratory attire. As Jamison approaches 3, it is safe to say this stay at home mom thing has been three years in the making. We have thought it out, talked it out and planned it out. We, our family, can do it and we know we will all be better off for it, especially our children.
