09/11/08
I am so sad, Jamie is getting so old. She is on pain meds everyday and can hardly do a single lap around the block. It now appears as though she might be having incontinence problems. The vet said it is an easy fix with meds, which is good but it doesn't change the fact that she is getting so old. I was so worried about how she would be with Jamison and so far she has been such an amazing and gentle doggy. It will be a sad day when Pingy's time is up.
01/31/09
I am so sad, Jamie is getting so old. She is on pain meds everyday and can hardly do a single lap around the block. It now appears as though she might be having incontinence problems. The vet said it is an easy fix with meds, which is good but it doesn't change the fact that she is getting so old. I was so worried about how she would be with Jamison and so far she has been such an amazing and gentle doggy. It will be a sad day when Pingy's time is up.
01/31/09
Dear Jamie
As you already know your dad and I could not wait until Monday, you were getting worse too fast to wait. I am sorry we left you at the vet but they told us that was the best option for you. We asked if we could treat you at home but the doctor said the medicine is best when administered via IV. You need a lot of steroids and muscle relaxers because they think your disc has slipped. The doctors said you would probable yelp while they examen you...you didn't. You hide your pain well.
I called to check on you and make sure they gave you a blanket, they did. None the less I will be bringing yours by tomorrow. I would have done it tonight but Jamison was really tired. When we walked into the room Jamison's eyes went right to your bed with a big grin...I think he was disappointed not to see you there. You are the one person (or as Grammy says furson) in the family that makes him laugh so hard. He laughed at you all the way to the vet, I don't think he knew we were taking you to the doctors. I know you didn't mind his laughter though.
I already miss the times you followed me around the house being loud while I tried to put Jamison to sleep or the couple of times you woke him up after I already put him down. I was mad then but now I miss it. I know you didn't get as much attention after Jamison was born but I also know you didn't mind, I think you were just happy to sleep in your bed and have me home more. I am not ready for you to go yet, I will do whatever you need because I am not ready. As long as you are still willing to fight I am too. I know you are old and I feel so lucky to have had you for 13 1/2 years but I want more of you.
02/01/09
Dear Jamie,
You were so happy to us! You would never know anything is wrong with you, until you try to get up. You were especially happy to get your blanket and started nibbling immediately! That made us happy!
The doctor said it is better if we don't visit you anymore. They told us you were very calm and quiet before we got there and anxious and agitated after we left. It is important you remain calm, movement can make your back worse. So with that being said we won't be visiting you again. I am sorry but I know you understand, we can't take any chances.
On a good note the doctor said there is some minor improvement. We are keeping our fingers crossed and remaining hopeful.
02/02/09
She still can't walk but is doing better and feeling more in her back legs. I can even tickle the hair on her back leg and she twitches and looks back to see what is going on. That is a HUGE improvement when before the doctor had to pinch the hell out of her tail and feet just to get a little twitch out of her. She is also trying to stand up. She gets close but can't quite do it. I am scared but so hopeful. Her spirit is something anyone would admire. I am a mess and it is her happiness that is keeping me going. Her tail wagged so much when we went to pick her up. She was so happy to see us and could care less that she was being held up a little doggie sling. In fact when we opened the car door she got all ready to jump right in. I'm not quite sure what her plan was and how she was going to do it but given her spirit I am sure she just figured she'd go for it and see what happened. We of course stopped her.
The vet technicians and doctor all said she was so good and never tried to bite anyone, they didn't even need to muzzle her. What a sweetheart she is as anyone that really knows her can attest to.
Rob and I are very very hopeful she will walk again and if she doesn't we will be considering a doggie wheelchair. Thank God we bought a rambler. That was of course one of our thoughts when we bought it. Not that Jamie would be in a wheelchair but that stairs would be hard for her as she aged. We are also (whether she walks again or not) going to close off the side of our deck that has about 5 stair and then get a ramp for the side that only has a couple.
She seems a little down and that makes me sad. Her sadness I am pretty sure stems from the fact that we have to keep her in a kennel as it is important she doesn't move too much. We bought her one that is all wire so she can see out of it just fine. We will also open the bedroom window so she can look outside, not ideal but much better then being at the vet. This is only a temporary situation for her to ensure the most possible amount of improvement. After several days we will reevaluate to determine if she has reached her maximum potential or if it is important to continue keeping her relatively immobile. We can only let her out 3 to 4 times a day max and that is only for bathroom breaks. Rob and I figure one of those breaks can be around dinner. That way we can put her bed next to the dinner table and she can lay there while we eat.
02/03/09
I am exhausted. This has taken it's toll on me. Rob seems to be in good spirits but as Jamie's spirits drop so do mine. I came home from work today and she hadn't eaten anything. To me that's a sign she's giving up. She will however eat treats so I have to wonder if she just decided she no longer likes the food she has been eating for the last 5 years. I don't know. Tomorrow she gets an MRI so we can find out why this happened to her. If they tell us it is operable I don't know if we will do it or not. I don't know if the money is worth the risks involved for a possible recovery (50/50) chance is what the doctor said. So why are we spending over 1,000 bucks for an MRI that we may not even follow through with surgery? I don't know. Because we can't give up yet. Because we have to know what happened. Because we don't know what else to do.
I told myself we could always get her a wheelchair. It seemed so simple until I started researching it. You have to monitor for bed sores, learn how to handle incontinence, bathe them every other day as well as many other things. The consequence of not keeping your dog cleaned can be everything from diaper rash to maggot infestation. If I feel like this sucks for Jamie now and that it can't get any worse then maggot infestation tops it. Nothing is that simple I guess. As it stands now every time we move her with the sling her bladder empties. Not her fault...not anyones fault. I wonder if she could be embarrassed by all this. Do you think dogs get embarrassed? God I hope not, I just can't imagine her losing her legs and being embarrassed by all of this. How heartbreaking.
I am depressed. I miss Jamie dearly. I know I still have her but she isn't herself. I know this is just the beginning and it could all get easier with time...I hope. I am filled with so many thoughts I cannot even get them strait. Should I put her to sleep? I am ready to give up, it seems like she might be too but then she gives me a kiss or seems absolutely pleased with a scratch behind her ears. Rob has more hope and spirit then Jamie and I put together, man I wish I had his ability to be positive. He is my rock for sure.
Her nails clicking on the hardwood floor use to drive me nuts, now I miss that sound. This all happened so fast. I am so sad to think that just less then a week ago everything was fine. Everything was normal. Jamison would laugh and crawl into my lap as Jamie came walking toward us.
Suddenly I find myself wishing I would have taken her on more walks, given her more hugs, and payed more attention to her. I wonder if I was a good enough mom to her. I have all kinds of guilty feelings as to whether or not I was good enough. I wonder if I would have been more gentle with her if maybe this would not have happened, I mean maybe if I didn't expect her to go up and down the stairs off our deck on her own, or when she stumbled into the house if I would have helped her up faster... I know, I know I can't go there but I am sure that anyone would in my situation.
02/04/09
Jamie's MRI came back showing an inoperable tumor. I had a feeling. Tonight we are saying goodbye.
02/05/09
At noon we gave Jamie a sleeping pill. By 1230 she was zonked out. When the veterinarian came to our house at 2 to put her to sleep although she was out of it she did start shaking. I think she could sense our apprehension. Other than that it was very peaceful and dignified. It was very hard to watch and feel her take her last breath. It was really hard to watch them carry her out of our house but it was even harder for me to come home tonight and have the house empty. We packed up her crate that was purchased to keep her from moving in hopes she would heal and walk again. I didn’t want anything to remind me of her being sick. I put her bed, food and water back where they always use to be. I was not ready to pack everything up. It is horribly sad to see her bed there with no one in it. The house feels empty tonight. In fact the whole world feels a
little emptier then it did before 2PM this afternoon.
We spent all day cuddling Jamie and taking pictures, we got some great ones that I will share soon. Early this morning around 530 I got on the floor with Jamie and laid in her bed with her, I rubbed her neck and cheek muscles. At first she was panting but as we cuddled on the floor she relaxed and began rolling around in her bad as best she could given the situation. She also did her fair share of nibbling and then got some sleep. She was awake most of last night as well as myself. I think she was too uncomfortable to sleep. She hadn’t eaten a meal in over two days but loved these bones I bought her a couple days ago when I first brought her home from the vet. Normally I would have only given her one because she gets such bad gas but hey when time is short there is no time for gas so I just kept giving them to her.
Something that stings the most is knowing that Jamison will never laugh at/with her again. She was the one family member that really cracked him up. She never growled at him, never snapped at him, she never even acted irritated with him despite the tormenting he often did. My heart breaks that her life is over and mine continues. We have been through EVERYTHING together. A roll over car accident. Knee and ankle surgery. Boyfriends. Moving out of my parents together. Meeting Rob. Hiking. Camping. Many trips to Southern Utah alone. I always felt safe when I had her with me. During my road trips to Southern Utah if I had to stop for a bathroom break, I took her into the bathroom with me. I got some funny looks from other women as I had her in the stall with me but Jamie and I never cared. We were two peas in a pod! I can go on and on but for now I just want to say all the sadness I feel is a very very very small price to pay for the immeasurable amount of happiness I got from her. I know I was a good mom but I also know she was a better dog then I was mom and I am sure that given the amazing ability that dogs have to be incredibly loyal, innocent and non judgmental the same could be true for almost all human/dog relationships.
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