I'm not getting anything done!

My baby won't sleep unless being held or nursed. I don't mean that I simply parent her to sleep, I mean that I parent her to sleep and then must continue holding her or else she will certainly wake up the moment I'm no longer present. To some this may be a huge inconvenience and I understand why. There are many days when it is inconvenient for me too. But at this moment it's a blessing. At this moment, as I sit by the window, baby strapped to me with my nose buried in her fuzzy hair, I take in deep breaths of my baby's sent knowing that her hair is growing and changing. Soon it will be replaced with the more course hair a toddler gets. I know her need to be held will pass, I know it's only a matter of months before she will no longer privilege me with the feeling of her tiny chest moving up down against mine. There are a thousand things I need to do but there is only one thing my baby needs right now. Inconvenient? Maybe. Blessing? Absolutely.

I don't want to forget...

I hardly remember Jamison as a baby unless I look at pictures. I'm so glad I have a lot of them. As great as pictures are there is something about words that captures emotions and feelings really well for me. So with that in mind I'm writing the following:

Things I don't want to forget about J
I don't want to forget that he use to say, "Look at that, daddy" with a huge inflection on "that".
I don't want to forget that he use to say, "Hold you" instead of "hold me" or that he use to say "what, you said" instead of, "what did you say"
I don't want to forget that he use to have really fuzzy and really white hair until sometime between 2 1/2 and 3.
I don't want to forget that every day he pretends to be some animal, anything from a "helping dog" to a "helping cow" and even just a regular dog or one he calls "martha dog". Sometimes a dinosaur usually a T rex.
I don't want to forget that he always wants to race me, that his hugs are tight and given generously, that he use to eat chap stick and refused to give kisses if he had chap stick on.
I don't want to forget that I took a bath with him every night when he was a baby. That he always fell asleep nursing in the tub and then happily went to his daddy when it was time for him to get out.
I don't want to forget that the first time he crawled he moved his left hand forward, than his right hand and then both legs did a little hop forward as though he were a tripod.
I don't want to forget that J calls his baby sister "Daquel"

Things I don't want to forget about L
I don't want to forget that her upper lip often tucks under when she nurses. That she quietly moans as she falls asleep at the breast, full and content.
I don't want to forget that she loves tags. She loves to suck on them.
I don't want to forget that she loves to splash when she is in the bath.
I don't want to forget that she expresses her anger with a ferocious growling like cry or that her laughs are hard to come by but are beautiful to listen to. That the first time she laughed was while I was in the bath tub with both kids the night before Rob's Ironman, Jamison splashed and Raquel chuckled.
I don't want to forget how much she babbles and that one of her more common babbles includes "bwa, bwa".
I don't want to forget that she thoroughly enjoys sucking on chunks of my hair.
I don't want to forget that whenever I push J on the swing I feel Raquel's stomach chuckling, in and out, as it hits against mine while she's snug to me in the Ergo baby carrier.
I don't want to forget what it feels like to have her whole body pressed against mine, belly to belly, as we sleep at night. 

Growing up

Raquel is growing fast. Faster than I can wrap my head around. Each moment is fleeting and I'm afraid to look away for fear I'll miss something. Jamison is growing fast too, no doubt, but that first year of a baby's life presents so many changes so quick that even a blink will be cause for missing a milestone. Right now Raquel is sitting rock solid! Even taking baths without a baby tub. It is nice that I can now put her and her brother in the tub together and bathe them both. She is also desperately trying to move and so very close to crawling. I take lots of videos in hopes of documenting all steps to this great achievement of hers. Raquel's baby babble is also starting to sound less experimental and just like her movements more deliberate. She is really starting to look like a little girl. Less baby more little girl.

Raquel and Jamison sleep in bed with us so we are fortunate to have a big king size bed in which we all pile in for sleep. If we didn't do it this way no one would sleep well and since beds are for sleeping it makes sense we use ours for it. I'm not even sure how much Raquel gets up at night because she is snuggle right up to me so I often times sleep through her feedings. It is not for everyone but it works for us!

Parenting the second time around is so amazingly wonderful. Parenting the first time is great too, Jamison made me a mommy, and a great one at that but the second time around I am able to do it with ease. I know that although things are difficult at times that is changes at the drop of hat. I know how I want to parent, I don't get confused by unsoliceted advice or doctors telling me what to do. I know how to parent my children and if I'm unsure about somethign I know where to find advice in line with how I want my children raised. There is much less confusion and I am at peace with my decisions rather than doubting them and wondering if I am messing my kid up, ok I still worry about screwing her up but not as bad as round one. My instincts are strong and developed, instincts that I thought I never had but were fertilized by Jamison and are now in full bloom for Raquel. Thanks Smash!

And now for some super cute things Jamison has said.

Jamison just said while I was typing this, and I quote, "hey mom, that's strange. That's strange that all babies are in bellies but where do babies come from? How do babies get there?"

When I told Jamison I was too big to do his gymnastics class with him he replied with, "if you grow down you will go back to small" . You know as oppose to growing up. So logical yet so impossible.

After telling Jamison at bed time that he needed to lay down and go to sleep or he'd have to get out of my bed and get in his own he replied with, "well if you say that again you'll get a butt wipen. Say it and I'll give you a butt wipen." I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that but I didn't say it again.

In order to sneak Christmas shopping for J past him we told him all the presents we were buying were for his friends (I know it borders on cruel but it worked). One evening before Christmas he came up to me holding the dinosaur we got for a "friend" and in his best dinosaur voice he said, "hello, what friend are you going to give me to?" I replied, "I don't know, which friend should we give you to?" Maintaining his dinosaur voice he said, "how about we give me to the friend you live with because he really loves dinosaurs". He was referring to himself, so creative. He was happy to unwrap that gift.

While munching on candy canes together he said, "Mom, we can't put our candy canes on the bed because pretty much Raquel spits up everywhere on beds." It might be a bit of an exaggeration.

While looking at maps in an Atlas book J said "Woa! Look at this road, but we don't need this map because we have an iphone app"

One morning with our family all snuggled up together, Jamison with Raquel and me and Rob snuggles Jamison said, "we're quite the family". Yes we are. How cute.

Today I am sick and my very sweet boy said to me, "mommy you can pull your pant leg up so I can rub your leg and help you feel better." He also got me tissues and cough drops, he really is a caring child.

Tired

I have missed out on pretty much everything this summer. I have not gone swimming, camping, hiking, biking; not really much of anything. I have been either too pregnant or too tired. I have missed concerts of bands I love and plenty of girls nights out. I have been vomited on daily. I have been pooped on, peed on and drooled on. I have been woken up constantly throughout the night. I have spent day after day soothing a screaming baby and comforting a whiny toddler, sometimes simultaneously. I am 3 sizes bigger than normal and my skin has been stretched beyond it's capacity. The only time I have left the house alone was to get a root canal, and I spent the entire time worrying that my baby might be hungry; she was. I have battled the sorest of nipples (thank you yeast) and continued to feed my baby regardless. That's it. Just a vent session.

Adjusting to a New Family Member

Raquel has been a wonderful addition to our family. Everyone loves her especially her big brother. He sings to her, talks to her, makes faces at her and even shares his toys with her. He is so helpful and gives of himself more than I would ever expect from a 3 year old. He offers to get diapers or throw dirty ones away even before I ask. If I drop something it is not uncommon for him to exclaim "Oh, I got it!" as he immediately picks it up for me.

We have turned Jamison's old crib into a sidecar attached to our bed but Raquel mostly sleeps in our king size bed snuggled up to mommy. Yes, Rob, Jamison, Raquel and I all pile up into our bed for our night time sleep. It is a full bed but as I lay facing Raquel with Jamison snuggled up to my back and Rob reaching across Jamison to rub my back I couldn't imagine it any other way!

The first week of sleep with Raquel was easy, she was a sleepy newborn but as she became more aware of her environment, but still not aware that we all sleep at night, she was up A LOT! Even nursing her was not enough to encourage her back to sleep but as with anything about a baby, good or bad, it always changes and the last few nights we have been getting more sleep...I wonder when that will change again (;

Some precious things Jamison has said:

"Mommy, I won't teach baby sister to fart on daddy"

In reference to our night time sleep "I didn't pull the blankets up over my shoulders because I didn't want them to go over baby sisters head" Note: the blankets are tucked in under the mattress so it would be impossible for this to happen anyway.

"I can't snuggle your back because I don't want to lay on baby sister" I reassured him he could snuggle me but you can see we have talked to him about co sleeping safety even though I sleep between him and "baby sister". None the less we still felt it was good for him to understand the importance of how we have arranged our bed.

When I told Jamison I was sad I didn't get to snuggle up to him at night anymore (as I cannot sleep with my back towards Raquel) he said "that's okay because you have a friend you get to sleep with now" referring to his sis and then that night he started sleeping snuggled up to my back knowing that I missed his snuggles.

When she cries he remains calm and relaxed...more than I can (: He'll get right up to her and in his quiet but squeaky little concerned voice he says "it's okay baby sister, I'll take care of you".

Jamison's birth sory as told by my Doula.

Jamison Robert’s Birth Story

Meghan’s due date of April 3rd came and went. Her cervix was nicely effaced and beginning to dilate some. On Sunday, April 6, 2008, Meghan woke up at 3:00 a.m. to a nice contraction pattern. They were nearly 60 seconds long and coming every 3 to 5 minutes. Meghan called Angie at 9:30 a.m. to let her know what was going on. Angie called again at 12:30 p.m. to check in and see how things were going… still a nice contraction pattern of 60 seconds long, 3 to 5 minutes apart. Rob called Angie again at 2:00 and said they were ready for her to come, some contractions were getting to be 80 and 90 seconds long. Meghan’s mom and dad arrived from Hurricaine just before 3:00 and Angie arrived just before 3:30 p.m.

Meghan was lying peacefully in the middle of her bed in her darkened bedroom. Rob was very near, timing surges and rubbing Meghan’s back. Meghan’s mom, Cathy, was always nearby and ready to help. Meghan got in the bathtub from 3:45 to 4:20 at which time she decided she wanted to head to St. Marks. Preparations were made and the birthing party arrived at St. Marks just after 5:00 p.m. Meghan was assigned to room #9 and Jene was her nurse. She asked all the admit questions and Rob threw her off by saying, “I’m her brother.” Jene tried her best to offer suggestions that might help Meghan in labor, but it was nice when she finally left the room.
Meghan continued to labor and showed many possible signs of transition. She had been surging now for over 15 hours. At 5:30 Jene checked labor progress. Meghan was dilated to 2 cm, 90% effaced, and the baby was at a -2 station. It is an understatement to say that this news was surprising to Meghan. At this instant she requested an epidural. Jene tried and tried to place and I.V. but without success so Dr. Peggy Peterson, an anesthesiologist, came in to do it. After the bag of fluids was run, Dr. Peterson returned to place the epidural at 6:45. It was a tough 45 min. from the time of Meghan’s decision to the time of pain relief. The epidural worked marvelously and Meghan’s own words were, “I’m so happy!” Her I.V. was inadvertently pulled out so Dr. Peterson placed a fourth I.V. The new nurse on shift now was Laura and she was wonderful. At 8:15 p.m. Laura placed a catheter and found that the cervix was now 2+cm dilated, effacement complete at 100%, and the baby at a -2 with a nice bulgy bag of waters. At 8:30 Meghan felt dizzy and nearly blacked out. She lay flat in bed for a moment and felt much better. It is very common to have low blood pressure as a side affect to an epidural.

Rob reviewed the movie selection offered by Labor and Delivery. It was none too stellar, but “Brother Future” seemed to stand out. Rob grabbed a sandwich from Subway and Meghan was eagerly talking about the next time she could eat one. Angie and Cathy ran to Subway for a bite to eat too. At 10:15 p.m. Laura checked progress again; dilation was at 5 ½ cm and discussed the possibility of releasing the membranes to help labor along. Dr. Tilley came in at 10:20 and released the membranes. Dilation was now 6 cm and the baby had come down to a -1 station. The fluid was nice and clear. Meghan was just laboring away and visiting with Rob, Cathy, and Angie. At 11:30 p.m. she felt rectal pressure, which is great news when you are in labor!

Amy became the nurse at midnight. She checked progress at 12:10 a.m., now on Monday, April 7, and found that dilation was at 6+ cm. Things got exciting between 12:15 and 12:30; Meghan experienced a titanic contraction, or one that doesn’t stop. The baby’s heart rate dropped for a time and three nurses came rushing in. They gave her a shot of tributeline to stop the contraction, oxygen, and a position change. They also placed an internal lead on the baby’s head to more accurately monitor his heart rate. At 12:40 Dr. Luikenaar came in briefly to mention that she’d like to start pitocin to help the labor progress. Angie guided Meghan through some relaxation scripts. At 1:45 dilation was at 7 cm and pitocin was started at 1 mL. Meghan felt pain on the left side of her cervix and there was some swelling there as well. The plan was to gently increase the pitocin and see how the baby tolerated that. At 2:20 a.m. the pitocin was turned to 2 mL. Angie and Rob did an “opening” script where Meghan went through her house in her mind and opened up everything she possibly could. At 2:50 the pitocin was increased to 4 mL.

At 3:15 Amy checked the cervix, dilation remained at 7 cm and was swollen, the baby’s caput was low—his head was trying to mould down into the birth canal. Just after 3:30 Amy increased the pitocin to 6 mL, and at 4:00 a.m. to 8 mL. Angie put Meghan in to an exaggerated side-lying position and did hip press-release. At 4:20 a.m. Dr. Luikenaar returned and found that dilation was now at 6 cm, due to cervical swelling and determined that it was time to head back to the OR for a Cesarean birth. Dr. Layman, the anesthesiologist came in to dose the epidural and she was a stickler about having only one support person in the OR. Rob suited up in a cute blue alien outfit. At 4:45 Meghan was wheeled back and at 4:55 Rob followed. Angie and Cathy waited outside the OR doors and listened for the first cries of a baby. Those first cries came at 5:03 a.m. on the morning of Monday, April 7, 2008—the time of Jamison’s birth. Dr. Luikenaar discovered that he was positioned directly OP. He had very healthy Apgars of 8 and 9. He weighed 8 pounds, 8 ounces and was 22 inches long with a 35 cm head. Meghan returned to room #9 at 5:45 with baby Jamison in her arms. At 5:50 he was latched on and breastfeeding very well! After 26 hours of hard work, patience and lots of love, Meghan had a wonderful birth and was rewarded with a beautiful baby boy.

The things Cathy will most remember about this experience are: “’2 cm! Give me an epidural!’ Hearing his first cry.” Rob will most remember, “Being able to see him the second he came out and taking photos. To hear him cry, that was amazing! I was pretty excited when she woke me up in the morning to let me know she was contracting. I liked the fact that I was with Meghan the whole time.” And Meghan will most remember, “Hearing him cry for the first time, seeing Rob bring him to me. ‘2 cm !?! I want an epidural!’ How good Rob was—there was no way I could have done it without him. Being told it would have to be a C-section.

It was a privilege and an honor to be a part of this amazing birth. Meghan was so strong and positive. She handled every turn her birthing took with grace… (except when she hollered “2 cm!?!”) Rob was very attentive and supportive and Cathy had so much love to offer. Meghan is fortunate to be surrounded by those who love her and Jamison is a very blessed little boy to have been able to come to such a wonderful family.

Raquel's birth sory as told by my Doula.

Raquel Mae’s Birth Story

Meghan and Rob were expecting their second and final baby, a girl, on or around July 19, 2011. Meghan had had a Cesarean delivery with Jamison and this time did some homework and research early in her pregnancy looking for a very supportive care provider who would give her every chance of a VBAC. She ended up seeing the midwives at the University of Utah hospital and hired Angie as her doula again. July 19 came and went and Meghan remained ever so patiently pregnant.

At 3:00 a.m. on the morning of Monday, July 25, Meghan woke to contractions. She got out of bed around 3:30 and labored. At 5:00 a.m. Rob got up to go biking but decided not to go. At 7:55 Meghan sent a text message to Angie to let her know what was going on. By 8:15 contractions were about 2 and half minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds. Meghan could feel them in her lower abdomen, which was perfect. She was in “her own zone” as Rob put it and dealt well with labor. Meghan was concerned that there was no bloody show. At about 9:30 a.m. Meghan had some spotting and decided it was time to head to the hospital.

Meghan was evaluated then assigned to room #7, Janet was her nurse, and her favorite midwife, Peggy, was on call! Around 10:30 Peggy checked labor progress and found that dilation was at 4 ½ cm, effacement at 90%, and the baby at a -1 station. The previous office visit showed that dilation was almost 1 cm and effacement at 60%. Angie and Cathy arrived at 11:00. Janet had trouble getting an I.V. started so called in an anesthesiologist to get into Meghan’s currently tough and skinny veins. Meghan was feeling pressure and the baby’s heart rate was going down a little bit so Meghan changed from her right to her left side. Meghan leaned onto the birth ball which was on the bed. At 11:45 she got up to use the bathroom. At 11:55 Peggy checked labor progress and found that dilation was now at 6+ to 7 cm, effacement complete at 100%, and the baby at a -2 station with a bulging bag of waters. Meghan’s body was making progress very quickly! At 12:15 Cathy went to move Rob’s car which was parked in the 5 minute parking zone. This day was considered a holiday for the 24th of July and the valet was not running.

At 12:25 Peggy came in again. She did some double hip squeeze and Meghan instantly fell in love with that. Peggy also got some essential oils for Meghan to use and sprayed them in the room. At 12:40 Meghan got off the ball and bed and stood at the bedside. At 12:48 she was making some pushing sounds and the pushing stage had begun. At 12:50 Peggy checked labor progress while Meghan was standing and thought that dilation might be at 10 cm with the baby at a +2 station, or so she thought. She called a nurse in. Meghan crawled up onto the bed and Peggy got a more accurate exam; dilation was actually at 8 cm with the baby at a -1 station. Meghan resumed her favorite position which was kneeling on the bed and leaning over onto the birth ball. At 1:15 Meghan lie towards her right side on the bed and didn’t love that position as well. A warm pack was placed on her lower belly and a cold pack on her back. She relaxed well between contractions and said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Peggy used a warm compress to help prepare the tissues of the perineum. At 1:20 Megan’s body wanted to start bearing down with each surge. Peggy checked labor progress and dilation remained at 8 cm with the baby at a -1 station. Meghan was discouraged. She moved back to her favorite position which was kneeling on the bed and leaning over onto the ball. Angie and Rob did double hip squeeze often. The baby’s hear rate overall indicated that she was happy but she did have a couple decelerations. Meghan talked about the option of getting an epidural. She talked about the option of having Peggy release the membranes. She decided to wait on all decisions and all hands were on deck offering Meghan comfort. Peggy rubbed her feet. Angie and Rob on her back. Cathy rubbed her head and hair. At 1:35 Angie asked if Meghan would like to discuss her options after 3-4 more contractions. Meghan said she wanted to discuss her options in 2-3 more contractions.

Meghan stood at the bedside and as she did her membranes released on their own; it was 1:42 p.m. The fluid was clear and there was lots of it. It splashed nicely all over the floor. This changed what Meghan was feeling and she went into pushing and doing a dangle squat from the side of the bed. Angie and Cathy helped support her. Meghan could now feel that the baby’s head was very low. At 1:50 she managed to climb up onto the bed. She squatted. She lay on her back and turned side to side. The baby’s heart rate was showing some decelerations, indicating that her little head was getting squished as she moved lower into the pelvis. Her heart rate remained in the 60’-90’s and Meghan received some oxygen to breath for the baby. Peggy asked if she could perform and episiotomy to help the baby get born on the sooner side so she could get breathing on her own and increase her heart rate. Meghan agreed and Peggy helped received a baby—vaginally and unmedicated!

This baby girl had a snug nuccal cord around her neck and once around her shoulder and loosely around her body. She’d been doing somersaults at some point. This may have also been why her heart rate was lower, stress on the cord at the final stages of pushing. Meghan gave birth to a baby girl at 2:05 p.m. on Monday, July 25, 2011. This little girl had dark and curly hair. The official pushing time was 1 hour and 12 minutes. At 2:07 Cathy cut the cord while the placenta took its time coming out. There were some sticky membranes but it finally came at 2:25 and Peggy asked Meghan if she could gently sweep to make sure the placenta was complete. Meghan agreed to take some fentanyl to help her relax and be comfortable and Peggy did find some tissue. Meghan said, more than once, “I can’t believe I did that!” As she assessed the tissue separation and repair, Peggy asked that the chief resident come in to assist with part of the repair. There had been a left sulcus separation which was deep and forked, a right labial separation, and no further than the episiotomy which was a second degree on the perineum. Dr. Calvert came in to assist with the sulcus repair and Peggy did the remaining work which was done by 3:45. She was given Ancef to prevent infection. Meghan was a champion and held onto her baby girl and relaxed quite well. Her baby was showing all the signs of being ready to latch and did so at 2:20, 15 minutes old. Meghan got up to use the bathroom but was unable to. Janet used a straight catheter and there was a good deal of urine to release which helped Meghan feel a lot better. This baby was being loved and having her picture taken. Rob was texting friends and family to let them know the good news. She didn’t have a name yet but Jesabelle, Raquel, and Josephine were on Meghan’s list. She weighed in at 8 pound 4 ounces and was 20 ½ inches long with a head circumference of 36 cm. Her name would be Raquel Mae.

Some of the things Cathy may remember from this experience are, “I was so proud of her work. It chokes me up. I feel so blessed to be wanted here. Joy tears. So proud of her and the strength women have to do this.” Rob said, “I’ll definitely remember trying to comfort Meghan, whispering in her ear. I’ll remember seeing her (the baby’s) head and watching her be born. The best thing for me was for Meghan to get through it naturally since that was her goal.” And Meghan may remember, “The immense intensity of it. There are not words to explain how intense it was. The hip squeezes were nice and makes a huge difference. How much I love her already! I wouldn’t have changed anything, it was perfect. Peggy was on call. We got stuck in traffic and that was good. Every RN here was really sweet. Mind blowing intensity. The pushing. I wanted her out so bad. The pain of pushing.”

This was an exciting birth, one I call a “Victory.” I am so thrilled that Meghan got what she wanted and what she prepared for. Jamison and Raquel are so fortunate to come to this wonderful mother and father. It has been an honor to be a part of witnessing this family grow.


Additional notes taken by my mom:

Its anout 5:15am.....Mae has been having contractions for about 2 hours. Rob brought Jamison into my bed and they have gone for a walk.

Maybe my alter ....candle and prayers worked. 5:36am......mae came in for a pee break as she put it. Back outside for more walking......how wonderful x

Mae and rob came back 5:56am. Mae went potty again. Sounds like they are busy perhaps organizing or something ...preparing. XO

I can hear birds chirping outside and Jamison breathing.
My heart is so full of love and joy. Im blessed to be here.

Still having contractions. Hands and knees feel best. 6:57am. More quite in the house.

Jamison still sleeping xo

Rob's such a good man.

7:12am taking bath. Breathing through contractions contractions about 5 minutes apart.

8:27 still working hard laboring on hands and knees mostly, also using birth ball.

Explained to jamison that mama was working hard so his baby sister could be born.

Jamison is very considerate. Being very quite and calm. Rob is very attentive and loving......soft music playing. 9:03am.

10am theyve left for the hospital 10:20 jess came for james. He cried a little but stopped.

500 milliliters of blood loss.